I May Want to Marry Your Husband

Dear Amy,

There are no good words to say about the absolute injustice of your situation.  There is no sufficient turn of phrase that will make it less horrible, that will somehow make it magically ok for you, your children and husband.  I am truly sorry about that, and about the circumstances that led to your extraordinary act of courage and generosity--this love letter for your husband.

What a wonderful thing to love someone so much that you believe they will be able to go on without you if you only give them permission and lay the foundation.

When my husband died 10 years ago, he left me with a directive.  "Find someone to be with. You are too wonderful to be alone."

To which I replied "Because of you."

I have yet to find someone who sees me as he did.

I have no doubt that Jason is all you say, and more.  He will not be these things with me, or with anyone else.  He is these things with YOU, because you love him and he loves you, and that's how love changes us.

Grief also changes us.  He may want to be all those things that he is for you and with you after you're gone; he may not.  He may find those things impossible in your absence, even if they are central to his being.  There is no way to know the shape of the wound that grief will cause, the edges it will leave to be mended, the scar that will remain.

He may be a different kind of wonderful husband or amazing father.  He may be ready someday to tune into someone else who likes only the white gumballs.  There is no way to know how stepping off the path the two of you walked together and onto his own will change him.

I have no doubt that he will be easy to fall in love with.  I fell in love with someone who sounds a lot like him.

I think your husband sounds very much like someone I would like to have coffee with and help find his way on the path through his grief.   We all walk our section of it alone, but knowing there's someone further along on the path can help us feel like we're heading somewhere.

As your paths diverge, I wish you both peace and clarity.  Thank you for sharing yourself so boldly with all of us.

Amy Krouse Rosenthal's essay "You May Want To Marry My Husband" appeared in the New York Times' "Modern Love" column ten days before ovarian cancer took her life.
Read it here https://nyti.ms/2lGIyA4